


Tears on the Runway

by orphan_account



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Angst, Fix-It, M/M, canon-divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 20:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3088202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shuu learns the difference between a pet and a friend.</p><p>Shuu is enlightened further with the help of a fellow coffee enthusiast that what he thought was a precious meal was actually more than that.</p><p>"It sounds like this person is like a lover to you. One-sided crush maybe?" they prompted with a raised eyebrow as they leaned in with their familiar scent wafting into his space.</p><p>[That fix-it fic I've wanted to write for a while, featuring Shuu on the road to rebuilding his relationships step by step]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tears on the Runway pt 2 - Issues (feat Nylo)  
> My speculations along with this song inspired from the events in chapter 12.  
> Our dear depressed Shuu still has so much room for character development, even in a brand new series :'~)  
> Keep on fighting Shuu! All you need left is acceptance and new perspective.  
> (I also love how Ishida is going about TG:re. Everyone is in their twenties or late teens and there is still a lot of maturing and realizing left to do!)

With the faint hint of familiarity and style that peculiar piece of undergarment had brought, Hori had prodded and insisted Shuu to get out of his home for one evening, because she had claimed “a model sitting in the same position all the time is bound to get boring to the artist, no matter how creative the pose”.

Kanae of course had told Hori off, but not before Hori had given Shuu the address of a coffee shop she recommended he visit. It had a unique name by the sounds of it; a newly opened shop called “:re” owned by a brother and sister pair.

“Also Tsukiyama-san, there’s an interesting customer who frequents the place! I think you’ll like it. It has lots of books you used to read, too.”

Her usual chippy personality was tinged with uncharacteristic hope as Shuu neutrally responded with a “maybe” to her request. Kanae’s shock was to be expected.

After all, it was the first time anyone’s words had sparked Shuu’s interest in the past three years.

 

**xXx**

 

Turns out the brother and sister pair were people he knew too well. Or maybe not at all, with the way they seem to be easily back on their feet after this stretch of time. As if everything was normal.

How could they not mourn their losses like he did? If Shuu recalled, Touka had lost basically everything. How could she address Shuu so casually and so mellowly as if he were a stranger? He noticed the slight widening of her eyes and the old way she would mutter under her breath when he entered the shop.

“So many familiar faces…yet so different.”

What was that supposed to mean?

Shuu was too tired and regretful to come around and ask. He didn’t even have the energy to order, just to sit in the corner of the bar and stare emptily at the rows of shelved books along the wall.

If he was in a better state of mind, he would have wondered why these two, who never showed an interest in reading in the past, would stock up shelves among shelves of highly acclaimed titles as if in preparation for someone’s arrival.

And then the answer walked in as if they had been there many times before.

“Good evening, miss! Do you mind if I put back the book I borrowed? I made sure not to leave any dog ears on the pages.”

The girl, actually a young maturing woman now, brightened up significantly as she turned her attention to the owner of the cheerful voice. A young man, Shuu presumed, if his ears were working correctly.

He was always in tune to the voices of young men these days, but his wasn’t the one Shuu wanted. The voice he wanted was more deep, more sorrowful, more gruff. There was no emotion like friendliness and optimism if his memories were right. At least, toward Shuu there weren’t.

Back then, before events that changed everything, he remembered listening to a voice like this. That innocent and unmarked person was a figment of the past, and so was the battle-hardened person they had become before they permanently left Shuu behind on the roof that rainy night.

Shuu closed his eyes, cutting off the sharp overhead lights from the bar and the late evening sunlight. It hurt too much to be exposed to so much light. It was entirely his fault, but he didn’t want any reminders that anything had changed since that day, that the sun could rise when all his world was shattered into pieces.

Shuu was on the verge of dozing off until someone’s cough startled him out of his daze.

“Ah, excuse me. I ordered some coffee for you since you look so sleepy by yourself. Do you mind?”

Shuu blinked away his drowsiness to see the young man from before leaning against the stool next to him with two coffee cups in each hand and a thick hardcover tucked under his arm.

Shuu nodded before he could stop himself and turn him away. The young man grinned as he placed the coffee and book on top of the counter and made himself comfortable next to him. He silently pushed a steaming and surprisingly fragrant cup in front of Shuu’s slumped form and flashed an assuring smile before returning his gaze to his book.

As he began to read and sip his coffee, Shuu noted he stood out, not that Shuu could say anything with his own haggard appearance.

He wore an unbuttoned white trench coat and black formal attire underneath. Perhaps he was an office worker taking an evening break after a tiring day on the job. It was not uncommon after all. But Shuu wouldn’t know that, being shut away for such an extensive period of time. A lot could change within three years.

His hair was the most interesting to see. The strands were white at the slightly wavy tips with black roots growing in. Maybe he had it dyed.

Shuu continued to stare at the wall of shelves but he eventually found himself drawn back to the young man sitting beside him. It was more entertaining seeing him read than staring into space.

His expressions transitioned minutely as he progressed into his novel. Shuu had not observed others in such a long while, he had forgotten how amusing it was to people-watch from his previous habit he had started in high school.

Out of the corner of his eye, Shuu spotted Touka shooting worried glances their way every few moments. When they caught each other’s eyes, she looked away and disappeared into the kitchen in a flurry.

He didn’t think on her strange behavior for too long.

“Am I bothering you? I noticed you’ve been staring at me for a while,” the young man asked, closing his book and turning to him. It was neither confrontational nor angry, rather patient and curious.

Shuu shook his head and sighed.

The young man contemplated him for several beats before speaking again.

“I think I recognize that look,” he said. “And I’m sorry for coming off rude by judging by appearances, but are you similar to a NEET? You look tired and pale, so.”

Shuu nodded. He was close to the truth.

“Mm-hm. I have one at home, so that’s why I could tell,” he explained with a light chuckle.

Shuu stared, entranced with the way he brought his hand up to his mouth to half muffle his laugh.

“I have to go home to cook dinner for my kids, so I’ll be leaving first,” the young man declared as he rose from his seat. “I hope you liked the coffee. There’s no other taste like it. I cried the first time I came here.”

Shuu’s lips quirked at that. A mere cup of coffee could evoke tears to this young man’s eyes? Humans were so strange as usual.

But one thing struck a weird chord in him…

...this young man, who seemed even younger than him, had children already? That was shocking.

When Shuu sent an inquiring look his way, the young man tilted his head and flashed an oblivious smile as he buttoned up his coat.

“I’ll be back in two days,” the young man said. He gathered up his drained coffee as he faced Shuu. “I hope you have a better day tomorrow and the day after, mister.” He nodded politely as he left to return the book back to its shelf.

Once the young man exited the shop and walked out of sight, Shuu studied the cup of cold coffee in front of him. There was no harm in trying it. He dug up the energy to grab the foam cup and lift it to his chapped lips.

“This…” he murmured quietly as the flavors rushed his sensitive tongue.

“Not again,” Shuu faintly heard whispered across the shop as the waterworks began to brim and blur his vision.

He had a difficult time imagining what reaction he would have if the cup was hot and fresh rather than settled and lukewarm.

Shuu found it even harder to imagine the young man never coming back again. 

He looked wistfully in the direction of where the young man had disappeared.

 _This strange_ tremolo _in my heart..._

"I want to know who that interesting young man is."

Shuu looked forward to coming back to ":re" in two days time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some positive feedback for this fic. I hadn't thought some of you would like it so well. Thanks for your support so far!
> 
> Also, I wanna apologize, but there's no sorry's for Shuu's thoughts this chapter. He hasn't had a genuine chance to express his natural bedroom voice in a long time. My usage of French isn't the best, since I'm proofreading this alone. Notice how I changed the rating, ha ha. That's Shuu for you.
> 
> Following chapters will be spoilers for TG:re ch 13+ (that Maman Sasako!! Kun-kun Haise-kun kun-kun...!)

A hand slammed down on the gleaming surface of the top of the bar in front of where Shuu was nursing a steaming cup of coffee.

“You, don’t go near that guy anymore,” Touka fiercely whispered to Shuu, glancing from side to side shiftily.

“Why is that, _ma ch ère_?” Shuu asked calmly. He understood which person she was talking about.

“He’s not like the others, especially your typical prey,” she replied, her former bite returning to her voice instead of the soft spoken tone she had taken when addressing her customers.

“I see nothing wrong with making friendly conversation with someone who intrigues me,” Shuu reasoned, taking a dignified sip of his coffee. He had to close his eyes momentarily; it really was as good as the young man had said.

Touka eyed the way his hands trembled slightly as he clutched the foam. “It’s not a matter of your hunger, it’s who he is that’s the problem.”

“Explain.”

She sighed and placed her hands on the counter behind her. “I hate to break your dreams when you’ve finally made a reappearance into society, but he’s off limits,” she said.

Shuu placed the coffee between them and threaded his hands patiently in front of him, waiting.

“So irritating.” She tsked and glanced away from Shuu to glare at the floor. “You used to be all pomp and fancy foreign words. Now you’re this weak-looking guy with the same terrible fashion sense.”

Shuu smiled thinly. “Please get on with what is wrong with this young man.” He deliberately ignored her insult to his distinguished sense of style a mere _lapin_ could not understand.

She looked him dead in the eye and bit out grimly.

“He’s a Dove.”

If Shuu was holding the coffee, he definitely would have dropped it and let it spill all over the bar.

“I...I see.” Shuu hated the way his voice shook slightly. “That is unfortunate.”

“You get it now? I won’t stop you from talking with him while you’re here, but outside of :re is dangerous.”

“I understand,” he consented quietly.

Touka silently watched him try to gather his wits.

“Half past four.”

Shuu looked up from his hands and raised his eyebrows. “ _Pardon_?”

“It’s the time when he usually arrives here,” Touka said, arms crossed as she avoided looking at him. “Sometimes two other people come with him from time to time, usually on Fridays. He’s read up to the third shelf from the top on the far right bookshelf.” She gazed at him steadily, daring him to make a funny retort. “Helpful?”

“Indeed,” he obediently agreed.

“Also…” Touka trailed off and uncertainty flickered in her eyes. “Never mind. It’s not important. Just watch your back.”

“Your concern is touching,” Shuu told her sincerely.

“Don’t get chummy with me because I’m being nice.” She then relaxed and something like sadness softened the hard lines of her face. “Besides, I feel he deserves someone to talk to,” she murmured so low Shuu almost didn’t catch it.

Shuu didn’t comment. Whatever nail she had to pick with the young man was of no business to him. All Shuu had to do was patiently wait for him to return.

Return.

Return to him.

Return to the place he left Shuu.

Return and reassure Shuu it was all right, that he was there and he wouldn’t leave.

Return and aim the kind smile of his at him.

How delicious the curve of his shy grin looked on his lips, the breathlessness of his laugh as it blew across the lid of his coffee cup.

Shuu groaned and buried his head into his arms as he let his imagination go wild.

The urge to eat had left him restless at home as he imagined interacting with the young man again, the intelligent conversations they would have as Shuu nipped and licked at the bite marks he wanted to leave on the space between the young man’s shoulder and slender neck. Shuu could easily fantasize that he had an amazing scent, but his nose at the moment wasn’t at its best working condition.

Two days’ recovery of constant eating would not be able to heal his sense of smell that had deteriorated over the course of years.

"I wonder how he tastes?" Shuu said to himself. He licked his lips, tasting coffee and his own unique flavor. He continued to busy himself with the thought of the young man, perversely.

Shuu could imagine the smooth texture of the young man’s skin as he brushed his nose over the exposed pale chest. He liked to think the young man kept himself clean. Clean food always were the best tasting as they cleaned themselves for him.

Ah, but eating the Investigator, especially one so young, was off-limits as Touka had warned. Shuu would have to suffer the deadly consequences if he did this messily.

Getting close to his next meal would make it more exciting, he concluded after some hard thought. Shuu shivered as he imagined the expressions he would make. As Shuu had yet to know him, the unpredictable outcome left him in suspense.

“Oh, you’re here!” came the voice of the young man from the entrance.

Shuu looked over his shoulder and saw him stride over to his location, the tails of his coat trailing behind him.

“Yes.” Shuu smiled gently as the young man’s eyes widened in surprise.

“This is the first time I’ve heard you speak,” the young man observed in amazement. “Are you foreign?”

Shuu blinked. “Yes.” He was surprised at how fast he caught on.

The young man chuckled. “I guess one word answers are all I might get out of you, huh?” he asked as he sat down and raised a hand to call over Touka for his order.

“Sorry,” Shuu said, unintentionally complying with the Investigator’s observation.

“No, no, it’s fine. The process of coming out takes a while. A very, very long while,” he emphasized with a slight scrunch of his nose.

Shuu watched him settle down. This time, he carried a suitcase with him. A slim silver one, too narrow and sleek to be holding simple documents.

It was a marked case for qinque, CCG-made weapons of dead ghoul kakuhou they captured.

Shuu’s eyes gleamed as he secretly eyed it sitting so close to him, right at the feet of the young man. Touka was chatting idly with him but she had a faint sense of wariness and eagerness to leave the conversation.

Shuu decided he would return the favor she granted him.

“ _Excuse-moi,_ ” Shuu interrupted their talk, tapping a finger once on the surface of the counter, “but I would like a refill, if you please, _ma ch ère_.”

They both looked at him in surprise, but Touka snapped out of it first, catching on with a slight stutter.

“R-right away, sir.” She placed the half empty cup (she narrowed her eyes at that) on her tray and strode away. She cast one half-hearted glare over her shoulder, nodding her thanks.

The young man rubbed his neck as he watched her go.

“Ha ha, I didn’t realize she disliked me talking about the newest novel they added on their shelves.” His gaze was down turned toward the counter as a small solemn smile appeared. He turned to Shuu and that smile of his grew a little bit more cheerful. “I’m surprised about you, though. You spoke to her so easily.”

“The girl and I used to be acquaintances before,” Shuu explained. “I apologize that you had to see me in such a state last we met. I was suffering through a terrible off day.”

“Ah.” He nodded his head in understanding. "I can see that. You cleaned up quite nicely."

Shuu offered his hand to the Investigator. “Shuu,” he said courteously.

The young man gripped it firmly without hesitation. His hand felt warm and slightly calloused. “Haise,” he said, shaking it once and letting go immediately.

Haise brushed a hand over the book he had brought with him. Shuu tried to read the cover but his fingers were in the way. He decided talk would be faster.

“What is it you’re reading?” Shuu asked curiously. He leaned closer, making as if he wanted to get a look at it.

Haise didn’t move away, instead scooting the book so Shuu could easily see it.

“This was the one I wanted to talk about with the waitress, but she brushed me off with neutral comments.”

Shuu scanned the dark glossy cover and found it interesting at the author written in bold at the bottom.

“Kafka?” Shuu glanced at Haise with a raised eyebrow. “You are a fan of his works?”

Haise scratched his chin absently. “I guess? The stories are enjoyable and are written from a standpoint many readers may not understand.” Haise let his hand fall to caress the spine fondly. “It reminds me a little bit of someone I know.”

“If you would like,” Shuu proposed, “I would love to discuss with you about the novels you’ve read. It has been too long since I’ve last read a good story, but you and I seem to have similar tastes.”

“Is that okay? You seem like a busy person.”

Haise had such an expression of concern, his eyebrows brought together under the curling fringe of black and white, Shuu had to chuckle.

“As you can see, I am here. A designated time that is suitable for you is never a problem for me,” Shuu said, genuinely meaning it.

It was now or never; his chance of getting closer to him was there for the taking.

Haise, for the first time that day, aimed the signature shy grin of his at Shuu. It was the smile that Shuu felt was his most honest one that revealed the much more vulnerable side of him. In the reflection of his eyes Shuu saw hope.

“Yes, I would like that.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An exchange between an owner and her confused pet.
> 
> The scent of withering flowers.
> 
> A deep conversation about love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some time skips in their meetings between Shuu and Haise here, but please think of them as correlating with the canon chapters. Time goes by pretty fast I've found in TG:re. It could be easily up to a few days or a month that has passed, though I honestly think it is limited to a week or two judging by Urie's "hospital" time.

Several days had passed before Shuu finally had a chance to meet Haise again. In the brief moment they met, Haise was out the door, looking as if he was in a rush to leave. He had been checking his phone and watch as he crossed the street and hailed a taxi to drive off.

After that missed encounter, Shuu came by every other day. He felt disheartened when he would wait for hours at half past four sharp for the young Investigator, only to find he would not be coming once Touka kicked him out at closing time.

“He’s a Dove, what did you expect?” Touka had said as Shuu sat in the same spot for the third day that week. “He seems pretty high up in rank, and he has subordinates, too. He must be strong.”

“Is he? I have never laid my hands on a Dove higher than a Rank 1, so I have no idea what times they work.” Shuu guessed those Doves with higher authority must have busy unpredictable schedules, unlike the fixed ones of the lower ranked fresh meat.

“The thought of him killing makes me sick,” Touka said bitterly, as she turned her back to brew him a fresh cup of coffee. By that time, Touka and Yomo had already saved a mug for him at how often he visited their shop. It was only protocol since Shuu greatly contributed to their business, regardless of how reluctant Touka looked at the prospect of him becoming a regular.

“I’m sure you can get coffee anywhere else with better quality,” Touka had prodded with suspicion one day. “Also, don’t call me ‘mah chair’, I know what it means. We aren’t like that.”

“That is true,” Shuu agreed. He inhaled the signature scent of coffee done right, thoroughly enjoying the stimulant. “However, in regards to your previous notion, the taste of your ghoul-brewed coffee is much more appealing than those made by humans. You have also perfected the manager’s technique, so it is natural I would return here.”

Shuu did not give out praise for other’s food often, so his indirect compliment was a rare service he provided to those who qualified for his elite standards. Secretly, back when he was the Gourmet of the 20th ward, he valued Anteiku’s coffee over his own self-made imports.

“I only learned from the best student,” Touka muttered as she glanced over at Yomo silently taking an elderly woman’s order.

Touka did not say anything else to him after that, but she appeared a little happy as she served her customers.

Nearly two weeks passed, and Shuu decided he would stay home instead of head out without a word like he usually did. He had yet to fill out his former build, but he was making an effort to better himself. Kanae supported him while keeping his personal opinions silent. He kept his servant’s unusual quietness to note on later when he had the opportunity to discuss it.

There was one person who had no qualms about speaking their mind.

“Not only is your nose crusty, but your eyes are, too,” Hori commented crudely out of the blue while lounging upside down on a chair in Shuu’s bedroom as he was deciding on an outfit. He was in a dilemma of choosing between a royal magenta, a midnight violet, or a mountain lavender silk shirt to wear to go along with his checkered red and black trousers.

Earlier, she had claimed they all looked like purple to her. He had disagreed.

“What do you mean, little mouse?” Shuu asked as he rubbed his chin and felt the material of each shirt. Usually, he was confident no matter what he wore but now it was so difficult to decide. 

“Lately, you’ve been walking around like you’re in a dream. Are you sure this Haise guy is going to come back?” Hori idly clicked through the images on her camera as she voiced her concerns. “The CCG Investigators are always exposed to danger, you know.”

Shuu stilled his hand momentarily on a wool sweater. He had not informed anyone of his visits to the cafe. Considering it was Hori, the informant, it was to be expected she would know this. He continued brushing his hands over the length of his extensive wardrobe.

“Most likely,” he admitted, neutrally. “As you said, it is dangerous. He could be recovering from a mission for all I know.”

“Maybe.”

Hori, as innocent and naive as she appeared, sounded neither approving nor disapproving. She had no clear opinion on the matter.

That was what Shuu liked about her. Out of the humans he had met, she was one of the few who had the least reaction once she learned of his true identity. Rather, she thought meeting someone like him was an everyday occurrence. She treated many things with that attitude, and he felt admiration that she did not discriminate on which models to use.

After some long thought, he could only count one other besides her who would be considered special in his life.

“Why do you ask?” Shuu had decided to go with a rare black cardigan over a scarlet nylon shirt. He stood in front of his full length mirror as he gazed at her in the reflection.

Hori shrugged. “I’ve just been feeling nostalgic. I haven’t heard your voice in a while, pestering me with the details of your latest ‘meals’, and all that.”

Shuu brushed off the invisible lint off his clothes. This was why he never wore black. Little specks of dust always fell on the material.

“I assure you that will not happen. Though, I have to say, my days as a Gourmet may not be the same,” Shuu warned with a raised eyebrow.

“I know.” Hori placed her camera to the side and flipped over to return his gaze with a tilt of her head. “Would you be mad if I said I was worried about you?”

Shuu lightly chuckled. He turned around to pose confidently with a hand outstretched in the air and the other pressed woefully against his chest. “Who do you think I am? A weakling like those regular game?” he asked.

Hori clapped her hands together and pointed. “Ah, there’s the ‘young master’ pose. I haven’t seen that one since high school,” she said.

“It means much that you would remember such a specific detail about me,” Shuu thanked sincerely.

“You’re interesting, so of course I would,” Hori replied cheerfully. At some point, she had turned on her camera and was positioning it to take a photo of him. “I’m glad it was sooner than later you went back to your former odd self.”

“ _No kidding_ ,” Shuu said as he slipped into different poses for her. “I have yet to get rid of my sluggishness at certain hours, but the Gourmet will make his debut, even flashier than before. I even have set my sights on a target already.”

Hori’s finger paused on the button. She lowered her camera to stare at him. Questioningly, Shuu looked back.

“What is it, little mouse?”

Hori asked him in her same flippant tone something unusually serious for her.

“Haise, huh?”

“Good guess. You have done your research,” Shuu praised with a proud smile.

She did not smile back. “Have you really forgotten? It has been a long time but I thought you of all people would notice,” she said quietly.

Shuu strode over and gazed down at her. “Your words confuse me, little mouse. Please say it so that I may understand," he requested, feeling puzzled at her change in demeanor.

Hori shook her head. “I’m sure the waitress knows. Actually, she might know more than I do.”

“The waitress at ‘:re’?” Shuu asked in surprise.

She nodded. “I know you’ve developed an infatuation with Haise-kun, so I thought maybe you had realized.” She packed away her camera and strapped the bag over her shoulder. “Turns out it wasn’t the case at all.”

Shuu didn’t stop her as she left for the bedroom door. Actually, he felt it was too much effort to go after her, but it was also useless to pursue the matter further.

“What did you think happened, Hori?” He only used her name when he seriously wanted a response from her.

Hori smiled with her hand on the knob.

“What is a Gourmet?” she inquired instead of answering. She shut the door behind her as she left the peculiar off-topic question hanging in the air between them.

“It must be a photographer’s logic,” Shuu dismissed after a moment of thought.

He then went on his way to :re, bypassing Kanae’s worried farewell and the rumbling feeling that rose in his heart when he realized the question was the same as the one he had asked Hori when he had lost all hope to move on.

How had he let one person shake his world so much? He was so foolish back then.

Shuu promised he wouldn't make the same mistake again.

 

* * *

 

“ _Hey, won’t you look at me?”_

Shuu tried. It was so hard to see through the tears.

_“Why couldn’t you listen to me?”_

The blood flowing like streams drowned his ear drums.

_“Why wouldn’t you recognize me?”_

He recognized no one with the fragrance of withered flowers.

_“Can’t you feel me?”_

Shuu remembered he was forbidden from touching. He was afraid they would break if placed under delicate pressure.

“Tsukiyama-san.” “Shuu-san.”

The voices of two echoed simultaneously.

_“I’m right here beside you.”_

 

* * *

 

Haise talked animatedly to Shuu, sometimes with his eyes closed and other times unhesitatingly and direct. His hands waved in gestures as he tried to illustrate his feelings and thoughts on the topic he was currently enamored with. It was most likely about the depth of the author’s scorn and sarcasm in their way of narration.

Shuu stayed in tune to half his words. His attention was gathered solely on the person in front of him.

“Shuu-san, what do you think?” Haise asked, turning his gaze toward him, and in turn directing the fire from his heated discussion to Shuu.

“I like to think the narrator considers their new ally as a person to be of use to them until the end of the game,” Shuu began smoothly. He rubbed his chin as he ran through what he remembered of the plot. “In the end, they could not bear to give up such a useful person, thus they risked receiving drastic damage to their arm to save them from their sentenced demise under the rusted gears.”

Haise thought on his words with a hum. “That’s an interesting way of looking at it. Their friend is certainly talented in many ways, unconsciously helping the narrator along the way toward the end of the maze.” Haise picked up his coffee and looked at him from over the lid. “Why do you think their thoughts were like this, Shuu-san?”

Shuu smiled at the unhesitating back and forth conversation they had started. “I believe it was the phrase repeated in certain sections. Such would be ‘help me’ and especially the word ‘alive’. I would like to salute the author’s effort to make this constant every half chapter,” Shuu said, taking the chance to sip his coffee.

“I noticed that, too. I didn’t think to pick up its importance until I read to that last scene.” Haise nodded in satisfaction as he gulped down the drink. He lowered the cup and licked the corner of his lips.

Distractedly, Shuu focused all his concentration to speaking and directing his eyes to Haise’s so as to not indicate his outright staring. He didn’t almost choke on his drink as he watched the pink tongue dart out and disappear as fast as it came.

Shameless could be his middle name.

“By page 140,” Shuu continued belatedly, “the word is replaced with ‘decide’. They would have to ‘decide’ between going through the nearby unguarded exit, or they would risk losing something of themselves for their future.”

Haise drummed his fingers on the table, lips pursed. “I think I can see how you see it that way. My take on this would be, though the narrator did not know it, they considered their ally as someone they personally liked over all the other participants,” he confessed.

“Why so, Haise-kun?” Shuu inquired. He thought his way of interpreting the narrator’s thoughts were spot on.

“This might be idealistic of me, since the narrator was so cynical in the first place,” Haise paused to sigh, “but I think the narrator has always seen them as someone more than a tool and less than a lover.”

Shuu was genuinely confused. “What would they be, then?” he asked.

“They were a friend, as simple as that.”

Shuu was stumped. What did he mean? There were no indications that the narrator held a fondness for their tool of an ally. His bitter words and close insults toward them were evidence enough.

“Please guide me to understand your point of view,” Shuu requested. He felt slightly embarrassed to ask him of this, but Shuu wanted to understand what Haise saw. He was at the end of his wits and he still could not come to the same conclusion.

Haise raised his eyebrows at the abashed flush on Shuu’s cheeks but divulged him immediately.

“It was stated in the first sentence the narrator was discontent. They had everything, from a full stomach to money aplenty. However, they felt wrongness in their life, until they were thrust into the maze.”

“And, Haise-kun?” Shuu prompted.

“And,” Haise said slowly, “and, the narrator did not realize that they had an emotional yearning for connection that surfaced as their typical bodily coldness. The warmth of friendship or relation to another human being; that is the warmth they truly wanted.”

“However, they had to endure through a harsh desert did they not?” Shuu argued.

“That is true,” Haise admitted, but he did not back down. “But, though their body’s yearning for heat had been cured, they were occupied with the thought of their friend when they left to hunt for food. They knew their friend could not possibly survive out there without them.”

Shuu recalled the dramatic scene in the novel where the ally was on the verge of death because of their natural clumsy nature, and only survived through the aid of the narrator. Shuu had taken the insignificant scene for what it was: a need to preserve what was theirs. He could understand the narrator’s outlook on the world, so he felt this was what he would do.

He told this to Haise. The Investigator gave him a strange look.

“You see the narrator as yourself?” Haise carefully asked. “The author even stated the narrator was not meant to be a relatable character for their typical audience.”

“Indeed. There are some qualities due to our circumstances and birth that I feel is unique to their social class. They are an independent individual.” Shuu felt proud to admit this out loud.

Shuu thought Haise might praise him, even politely not say anything and move on. He did not expect to see him upset. It struck pains in his heart to see him so devastated.

“That’s…” Haise gazed at Shuu, conflicted, then glanced toward his hands.

Shuu knew from observation Haise would, when cornered or struggling to convey something, he would cradle his fingers as if they were broken. Following it, he would rub his hand against his neck and laugh off what was troubling him. He would continue as if nothing had ever happened.

Seeing this, Shuu often felt a similar _tremolo_ in his heart like when they first met. It was not one of anticipation and eagerness. The _tremolo_ was one of unease. The unsettling sensation felt wrong in Shuu.

To get rid of the feeling, Shuu would change the subject to the Investigator’s subtle relief, as he did now.

“Do you have someone you treasure?” Shuu blurted without thinking. “Surely you must, since you have your rambunctious flock of children back at your home.”

“‘Treasure’, huh?” Haise’s eyes drew toward Touka, who sat on the far side of the cafe where no customers dared to disturb her studies. “I’m not too sure if I have someone I like.”

“Would like mean the same as _amore_?” Shuu suggested, jokingly. “Love, that is.”

Haise laughed. “No way. In my line of work? I wouldn’t want to put anyone under that stress.” He gazed out the window at the passing pedestrians and cars flowing lazily by. “I don’t have time for such a luxury.”

Shuu strained to keep up his smile. Certainly, no one would want to follow someone who was constantly put in danger. Who would want to endure such agony?

Haise was wrong about one thing. A love was never a luxury; love was a slow, painless death.

“Haise-kun is kind,” Shuu declared instead of affirming his reason. “Many would want to rush things for their love to last beyond death.”

Haise’s wistful gaze deepened. So did the crease between his brow. He glanced quickly at Shuu and back outside.

“Here’s the thing.” Haise spoke slowly, as if he had recently woke up from a long sleep. “I think I may have died out of love once.”

Shuu’s heart constricted for a moment. The “dying” part of his confession made him pause but the rest made his heart crumble at the thought of Haise having a lost love.

Shuu flipped over the idea of Haise being in love with someone else.

Shuu did not like it one bit.

_Haise-kun is mine._

He automatically squashed down the possessive thought.

“We all go through similar experiences, Haise-kun. Regrets come after the ordeal is over.” Shuu’s mood plummeted drastically as he recounted all the experiences he had. He couldn’t even count to one in French at how many experiences of love he had, much less ten.

With an unreadable expression, Haise propped a hand under his cheek and asked him a perfectly reasonable question.

“Is there someone you regret not making amends with, Shuu-san?”

He was at a loss for words.

“Perhaps.” Shuu twirled a strand of hair between his fingers idly as he brainstormed the perfect response without giving too much away. “They are long gone by now.”

“Oh.” Haise looked crestfallen at his answer. “I’m sorry for bringing up bad memories.”

“ _Non_ , Haise-kun. There is no need. You were only asking a question equal to my own,” Shuu assured. There still remained uncertainty in his expression. He clarified gently, “I have moved on and accepted their absence.”

He did not mention that the reason he was carrying on better was Haise himself.

“Is it safe territory if I ask you to tell me about them?” Haise hesitated to ask.

“ _Oui._ I will answer you with as much fervor as your inquiries.” Shuu sat back in anticipation.

Haise leaned forward eagerly, placing his elbows on the table between them. “So, what were they like? I’m sure they were incredibly beautiful to be able to catch your eye,” he said, the look of expectation so open on his face.

Shuu had difficulty putting into words the complicated feelings he held for the complex individual that was Kaneki Ken.

_Interesting food._

_Hard-mode delicacy._

_The wielder of Shuu, the dagger under his pillow._

_Someone irrevocably irreplaceable._

With the various feelings toward this person, Shuu started from the beginning.

“We shared a love of books…”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The illusion must cease, if but for a moment,
> 
> and with an echo like a reply, resounds a cry of,  
>  __  
> [I want to see you.](http://sheofficial.bandcamp.com/track/make-me-real)  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My laptop gave me a scare by not starting up for a few days, and suddenly my writer's block decided to dissolve into thin air now that I didn't have access to any writing program *squints*.
> 
> Ready to tackle this Tsukiyama arc, le's go.
> 
> Also, maybe "fix-it" shouldn't be in the tags anymore?

“Little mouse, what are you looking at today?”

Shuu leaned over her shoulder where she was typing and reading over documents on her laptop. Papers were laid out neatly on the desk with red circles over profiles and CCG classified files. Briefly, he glanced over the phrase ‘risk of death during experiment’ and lists of blood transfusions along with the usual ghoul activity emphasized in bold, content that was by no means appropriate for a baby-faced, then high school girl.

Hori had ignored him as she always did when he inquired into her activities. He personally felt she should be honored he still gave an interest into what she did outside of their brief interaction while school was in session. She had claimed she was only practicing tolerance for a future excitable pet she was thinking of getting.

“What do you mean?” he had asked uncomprehendingly, tilting his head in confusion. That day, they were enjoying their lunch in the school's garden, tended by the environmental club.

“If you don’t know, then there’s no need to explain,” she had admonished as she resumed taking pictures of rocks.

After a delayed moment, Shuu had exclaimed, “That makes no sense!”

“Exactly.”

“Strange thinking I cannot follow! _Dolce!_ You never bore me! Little pet, won’t you wear this collar you refused to accept yesterday?”

He had turned to see her retreating back as she followed the path of a curious furry rodent.

That time was wonderfully spent in bliss until he graduated high school and was privileged with the ghoul restaurant. The days of defining himself as a Gourmet were one of many hardships and bouts of pleasure. His relationship with Hori did not change, besides with her reveal that she could give him information in exchange of necessary cash. He thought this bartering was reasonable, as the mere thought of a human negotiating with a ghoul was unthinkable. He liked to do the unthinkable, to taste it, and enjoy it.

Recalling those days, Shuu felt all of it was a prerequisite to meeting that person.

He had believed that person would be able to lead him to enlightenment with his shadow acting like a paved path for Shuu to follow obediently.  He thought he would be content with how things were in the 6th ward with their little “family”.

It was when he saw that person glance back and acknowledge him warmly, did Shuu realize he did not enjoy the chase where the distance could never be closed. Where that person continued onward, Shuu was rooted to the spot, forever in his gradually receding shadow. Before he knew it, Kaneki Ken had already disappeared from the face of the earth, and Shuu was left lost and despairing.

xXx

“They seem like an incredibly sad person,” Haise said after Shuu finished.

“They were,” Shuu said, cradling the now cold coffee mug between his palms. “They deserved much more than they were given. The world was very unkind to them.”

“Hmm.” Haise swirled the spoon in his leftover drink idly with his chin propped on his hand. He sighed heavily. “The world is such a complicated place, isn't it?”

This raised questions and stirring reactions in Shuu, but he decided to ignore it for now. He had left out a vast amount of important information, such as his true identity as a ghoul. If he had a word for it, Shuu had “humanized” his story for Haise’s ears.

“What do you think, Haise-kun?” Shuu mirrored Haise’s sitting position and leaned on the table with a gracious smile. “Of my treasured person, I mean.”

Haise, with wide eyes, leaned back and brought a hand to cover his mouth.

“Um, that person…they seem more like a lover to you with the way you described them with such detail and affection.” He peered at Shuu searchingly, leaning forward as if it would help him further find the words to tell on Shuu's face. “So, what you had for them was unrequited love? A one-side crush, maybe?”

Again, the scent wafting toward him was like a mashing of flavors, a familiar yet unnamed one underlying the layers of others.

“Love? Lover?” Shuu repeated the phrases in puzzlement. “That is not possible.”

“Why not?” Haise asked. He crossed his arms and waited.

“This…concept of love, it’s wrongly conceived.” Shuu shook his head adamantly. “I had motives, up until they chose to walk out of my life out of their own volition.”

“But you regret that, right?” Haise countered. He grinned softly at Shuu’s startled expression. “You say I’m kind, but Shuu-san is strong. Letting the one you love go, even if you don’t want them to, requires a lot of mental strength, I think. Putting them first isn’t something acquaintances would do.”

Shuu stayed silent for several moments, considering Haise’s reasoning.

“I have much to learn from you,” Shuu remarked, raising his eyes to meet Haise’s. “Kind and wise; you would make a brilliant teacher.”

“I get that a lot.” Haise laughed and scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

“It’s true,” Shuu said. “It makes me wonder why you chose the CCG over pursuing further education.”

“Well, I didn’t have much of a choice,” Haise said, defensively.

Shuu sensed he had entered dangerous territory by asking about Haise’s work.

“I see. Forgive me for intruding.” Shuu had heard that various children who went on to become Investigators were victims of ghoul hunts. Haise was probably no different.

This reminded Shuu that Haise was human and lived a different lifestyle. Haise could enjoy happiness and love and all the human privileges ghouls had to fight for to even get a brief taste of it. On that part, Shuu was envious.

However, Shuu had apologized with an edge to his voice, the flippant charms he put up to lighten the mood completely gone.

As Shuu was meaning to correct his tone, Haise spoke up first.

“I should be the one apologizing,” he said with a sigh.

“Whatever for? I was in the wrong for prying,” Shuu said, his words belying his true thoughts. Shuu was actually interested to learn more about Haise. Progress would be made as they became more intimate.

“I’ll tell you. I think I trust Shuu-san,” Haise said. “I’m more worried that what I’m about to say is illegal.”

Shuu expected anything, from “killing a man” to “wanting to be a hero”. All reasons for becoming an Investigator had to be superficial. Shuu would nod and admit to nothing. He made his posture as if to say ‘Please continue’.

“Long story short, I was probably a terrible person who committed unforgivable things,” Haise said as succinctly as possible. He tried for a smile but failed as it fell flat. “Now I owe my life to the CCG. They took care of me when I had no one.”

Haise gave nothing important away that would directly affect Shuu’s judgment of him. The way he avoided doing harm and getting close was probably something he learned to protect himself. If he was in the good graces of everyone, then none would think to harm him without reason.

Shuu discreetly hinted to Haise the obvious ambiguity in his three sentence story.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you I have no biological family?” Haise rubbed at his chin. “I consider the family I have at home the one I’m content with now.”

“The young lady who was with you the other day,” Shuu was thinking about the younger girl with the ponytails playing on her portable gaming system, “the one who called you ‘Maman’…”

“Yes?” There was that oblivious head tilt again.

“Do you have a ‘Papa’ in your little ‘family’?” Shuu risked asking, flicking his attention from Haise to his hand.

“Papa…” Haise repeated, as if never having considered the thought.

“Haise-kun?” Shuu observed in worry as the Investigator’s face grew slack with shock.

“No!” Shuu had to give himself credit for resisting the flinch from Haise’s abrupt outburst, the table shaking as he had risen and slammed his hands to the table. The Investigator looked around meekly, and seeing that no one in the cafe was looking their way, sat back down. “I mean, there is no ‘Papa’.”

“So it is a single parent family,” Shuu concluded. The teasing in his voice slipped in on its own. “It makes me worry as it also reassures my conscience.”

“W-why do you say that?” Haise asked, sounding uneasy at the direction of the conversation.

Shuu smiled, and Haise smiled back hesitantly. Shuu crooked a finger for the Investigator to lean in closer. “Because, _mon cher_ ,” Shuu whispered less than a hand’s span from his ear, “adultery is generally looked down upon in society.”

Haise shifted away from him abruptly and unceremoniously jabbed his knee into the table edge. Shuu rose to provide assistance with an outstretched hand, but he waved it away with his eyes squeezed shut.

“I’m alright.” Haise kept his hand out for some reason. “Don’t come any closer.”

At this rare request, Shuu was ready to obey. With smooth words prepared on his tongue to persuade him to go see Touka or Yomo for aid, Shuu stopped as if struck by lightning.

If he wasn’t mistaken, this smell…

He sniffed once. Twice. Thrice.

This scent was…

It was—

_Nameless nostalgia._

_The fragrance of dying flowers._

Shuu grabbed ahold of Haise’s wrist and tugged. Haise clattered forward with a surprised yelp, nearly knocking over the cups. His mishap with the table was forgotten. Shuu bent and inhaled directly above the pulsing vein of his wrist.

“This _parfum…_ ” Shuu glanced up to Haise’s wide eyes. “Who is it you’re wearing?”

“Perfume?” Haise said, not following what Shuu was talking about. “That might be because of the assignment I had to do yesterday. It’s related to cosplay.”

Shuu fell into thought as Haise mumbled to himself uncertainly, “ _At least, I hope that’s the word Saiko-chan used.”_ Haise claimed he was using perfume for costume play. The only reason to use it was to cover his human scent for undercover ghoul missions.

Unlike him, others might mistake him as more delectable if he wore this scent around other ghouls. The scent was the remnant of death and corpses; certainly ghoul, but also fresh meat.

Realizing he remained holding the Investigator’s wrist, Shuu released his hand as if it was scalding. “The fragrance is very pleasant, like pressed flowers,” Shuu said, avoiding Haise’s eyes.

“You think so?” Haise retracted his hand and rubbed at where Shuu had gripped him.

“Yes. You would attract a very many number of people,” Shuu complimented him offhandedly as his mind went wild with questions of what it could mean. That Haise would smell so good with the right amount of ghoul and human was disturbing.

The preference for coffee—

The refusal to eat—

The love of books, all with similar themes and tastes —

Haise’s modesty no one person should keep in reserve for a stranger like Shuu—

Who on earth was Haise the Ghoul Investigator?

_A half-gh—_

“Are you okay?” Haise asked worriedly as Shuu pushed his chair back and quickly headed toward the door. “Where are you going?”

“I remembered I had a, er, previous engagement. Please do not look for me,” Shuu said over his shoulder. He stumbled into the doorframe on his way out, the bell above clattering none like its usual musical note.

A faint rip was heard but he paid it no mind. It would be dealt with later.

Strange, was it always so dark at this time of the day? Shuu swore it was light out when he had glanced out the window and discreetly observed Haise’s movement in the reflection.

“…kiya…”

His eyes.

He can’t—

There’s nothing.

Nothing, no bustling din of traffic or generic drone of people, only this inane buzzing and ripping in his ears-

“Shuu-sa…”

Faint desperation.

Ripping, ripping,  _ripping—_

“Hai…se…?” he called out weakly into the darkness.

Shuu had difficulty recalling what he looked like.

Hair that glitched from black to white and a face empty like a mannequin’s except for a left eye that glared a beaming red, a mirror to his own kakugan. A line slashed across where the mouth was supposed to be, cutting open like seams and forming something Shuu could not distinguish. A single ink tear trailed down their cheek.

An arm lifted the weapon in their hand and stabbed through Shuu’s sides, pushing him into an abyss of soft covers. Through his pain-induced tears, Shuu saw the figure turn their back and walk away from him.

He stiffened, a sort of panic dragging a shudder through Shuu as he was reminded of a similar scene. He weakly lifted a hand toward their receding silhouette, his lips flopping to form words yet no sound came forth.

_Take me with you._

He felt the sharp sting of his teeth breaking through the vulnerable surface of his tongue. Liquid like blood burst forth from his stomach into his mouth, tainting his taste buds with the disgusting and metallic taste.

Shuu threw himself back and grabbed for his tongue, hating the foreign bitterness, and he found himself lying under his own sheets and excruciatingly exhausted.

A person who sighed in relief then ordered in a hoarse voice above him, “Shuu-sama has recovered and will be resting for the entirety of the evening until dinner. Servants, please inform Mirumo-sama about the brief collapse from his outing, and call Matsumae and the rest to return as soon as possible. _Jetzt._ ”

Shuu’s body felt like lead. There were weights on his eyelids barring him from opening his eyes and seeing the distressed Kanae by his side.

“Ka…nae…” He couldn’t say more than this, but his servant heard his weak beckoning. “Why is everyone…?”

“They were merely cleaning as you slept, Shuu-sama. We welcome you home.”

Kanae sounded tired and strained as he bowed closer to him beside his bed. Shuu managed to peal open his eyelids and focus on his blurry outline. Such concern and dedication to his own well-being, Shuu faintly thought. He lifted a hand to brush against his dear servant’s cheek, and discovered it was an almost impossible task to leave it there.

“Is that so? Then…I will leave it to you…my family,” Shuu tried stringing together in his head what he wanted to convey before giving into the heaviness sucking away on his desire to stay awake, “and…I apologize for troubling you…”

Warmth spilt onto his fingers before Kanae moved away and whispered a meek, “Yes…” that broke off on what sounded like a sob.

His whole body was relief as it relaxed into the clutches of the large, looming presence in his consciousness.

Far off and indistinct, a fierce mutter was heard, filled with loathing.

“… _hass_ …Sasaki Haise…”

The silhouette of the distant white figure appeared a little sharper in the darkness behind his lids.

 _Ah, now I remember. That is “his” name…he only wants to live…with the name he was born with...was_ forced  _to accept._

“Nameless” nostalgia, hm.

A place where "he" is there and that person is not...such a world exists?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst >>>>>>> Fix-It


End file.
